Friday, February 13, 2009

Because McDanger Will Understand

Our favorite Cow Boy [excuse me, Man] left a comment with the last post which reminded me of this old joke.

My Dad loved jokes. Okay, so his favorite was the far from politically correct Dumb Pollock joke, he still could remember a million of them. One day as we sat in an exam room at the Oncologist expecting less than stellar news, I thought I'd tell Dad a joke to lighten the mood. The joke I picked was one Dad would never have suspected from me. When the doctor entered the room, Dad was laughing so hard tears were running down his face. Doc took one look at Dad and became alarmed. I don't know if he thought Dad was psychic and had already guessed the news or if he was in excruciating pain.

Dad proceeded to wipe his face, a giggle or two escaping as he reassured the Doc he was all right. Me... he probably wasn't so sure about. Dad explained I'd just told him a funny joke. Doc wanted to hear it. I absolutely refused. It wasn't so much off color as well....a joke involving the medical community that I didn't feel real comfortable sharing at that moment. Doc made one more request, I shook my head and took an oath of silence. The news, although not great, wasn't something that couldn't be fixed with a new round of drugs. Or so we hoped. Doc told Dad he was free to go make his next appointment, then eyeballed me. I just shook my head mutely. Doc opened the door, Dad exited and Doc followed behind.

As I stood up to leave, the jolly nurse walked in. She loved to joke, she made Dad laugh and she made me feel skinny as she always pointed out that her butt was much more well padded than mine. Uh...yeah. And that's being polite. Her expression was stern as she slammed the door shut and glared at me.

"Tell me," she commanded, hands on those massive hips.

"Tell you what?" I asked, trying to figure out what I'd done.

"The damn joke," she sighed. "Doc asked me to come in here and see if you'd tell me. You HAVE to tell me," she pleaded. "He will drive us absolutely nuts all day long if he doesn't find out what it is. He loves jokes. We would love having a nag free day."

This was a woman who had not only cheered Dad on, she'd bolstered me up when my courage sagged in the face of Dad's battle.

"All right," I finally relented. "But you're not going to respect me when I'm done."

So I told her the joke, cringing a little at the punchline. She laughed so hard, someone knocked on the door and asked if everything was okay. She opened the door and ushered me out, still giggling. I caught up with Dad at the reception desk, covertly glancing about for Doc. Nowhere to be seen. I heaved a sigh of relief.

We were about 10 feet from the elevator to freedom when a hand gently fell upon my shoulder and a voice whispered softly in my ear, "That was funny! Why wouldn't you tell me?"

"Because Doc," I replied, turning to face him as my cheeks flushed crimson, "I respect you too much."

"Girl, don't you know that laughter is the best medicine?" he asked with a smile, giving my shoulder a firm squeeze before walking away. "See you next time."

So for McDanger, who will understand, I offer you THE JOKE. If it sounds familiar I shared it on Ken Armstrong's site at some point along the way.

[NOTE: I guess the Heimlich Maneuver for choking is universal. If you're not sure what a "redneck" is, think uneducated simpleton and you're close].


A Redneck was sitting in an expensive restaurant, eating dinner. He'd received a gift card for the restaurant, the only way he was able to afford such an extravagant dinner.

As he sat eating the expensive meal, the Redneck looked around at all the fancy rich people. Suddenly the couple at the next table started making noise. As the Redneck watched, the Fat Man at the next table began to choke, pounding the table with his fist. His wife looked on, terrified but unmoving. The Redneck continued watching as the Fat Man clawed at his throat, beat on the table and began to turn blue.

Realizing that no one else was going to help, the Redneck calmly laid down his fork and approached the man. With lightning fast reflexes, the Redneck turned the Fat Man away from him, pulled down the man's pants and licked across the choking man's butt. The piece of steak lodged in the man's throat went shooting across the room.

The Fat Man, finally able to breathe, looked at the Redneck and began to thank him profusely as people applauded.

Embarrassed by all the attention, the Redneck replied,"Tweren't nothing. Besides, I've always wanted to try that Hind Lick maneuver to see if it works."

Insert *groan* here. :)


Rachel Fox said...

Oh yuck. Made me laugh though.

Terence McDanger said...


We have rednecks over here too y'know. Any of them try licking my heim quarters, there will be blood.