Friday, January 9, 2009

Say A Prayer...

...or wish on a star. Find a moment of zen and meditate. Point out how to stay on the higher road or show me a rainbow. Anything short of voodoo dolls...they creep me out. Whatever it is you do when someone needs advice on finding the light at the end of the tunnel [no, not THAT tunnel] would be greatly appreciated.

Because here I stand. In the tunnel. Lights out. Not hopeless. But...deflated.

Radge, I'm about to break that rule we talked about. The one about not discussing situations at work. Since I'm not naming names, I won't have any regrets.

I arrived at the crossroads today because I was pushed into it. I hate being pushed.

I was blindsided, actually. Fortunately the semi-truck hasn't come along [yet] to completely flatten what's left of my ego. Oh I'm still employed. So far. Working for the government we're constantly hearing about budget cuts and other ways for us to work more...for less. But today I finally realized that it's time to quit saying, "Maybe I should do something else". Today I need to find my backbone and realize I have a lot to offer, no matter what those above of me believe.

The problem, you see, is I have a brain. And I'm not afraid to use it.

Ironically, I didn't do anything wrong. My senior citizens did. In short, they've been accused of being snobs who won't play nice with others. Which isn't true. They're a very down to earth group. The problem is, they too possess brains and like to choose what they attend or how they care to participate. So I am a very bad employee because I can't make a group of folks old enough to be my grandparents go do events they don't like. The bottom line is it doesn't matter what a good job I've done for 21 years...or how much I go above and beyond to do it. No, I was advised that my superiors cannot, in good conscience, be supportive of my center or back me up because my seniors don't support the correct events.


Yeah. That's how I felt.

For a couple of years now I've been restless when it comes to work. Not miserable, not bored, just knowing I can accomplish more than I am allowed. I've become numb to the fact my work is claimed by others and console myself by muttering, "What goes around, comes around." When it becomes overwhelming, I usually have a good cry, then suck it up and go on "for the sake of the group". That routine has gotten old. As has the offhand remark today of, "We're trying to keep cost cutting to a minimum and not lose jobs. Yet."

Ah yes, the veiled threat as inspiration.

What sounds so painfully obvious is something I've avoided for a long time. For every legitimate reason I conjure up for leaving, I allow my conscious to overrule. Who would actually care about the seniors as much as I do? After all, they treat me like family. I've always been pretty sure that if I was to leave, the higher ups would use it as an excuse to close a Center they've attempted to close in the past just for monetary reasons. Was I merely allowing the stress of a sucky economy to blow things out of proportion? Cool off and the world will come back to center. After all, the annoying people in the world eventually find the door and exit. Nothing lasts forever.

Cue light bulb.

I've already had a good cry, via telephone. A least hubby's shoulder stayed dry this time. Hey, I try to be considerate. He always knows what to say. After agreeing that I'd stayed long past the time normal folks would've walked out, he told me to start looking for that way out. Without looking back.

"The time has come," my brain echoed silently. "LEAVE. Get out while you still have a soul and give a damn about people."

And that is where I need the power of YOU, dear readers. The reality is I can't just walk out the door. I have to find something to go to, rather than run away from. So if you pray, wish on stars or just think positive, I'd appreciate it if you'd reach out into the cosmos and make a simple request.... her find what she was born to do. And kindly allow her to keep her hope.

Here's thanking you in advance. Why? Because I have just enough hope left to know good people when I read them. ;)


shug said...

Leave and you'll be replaced by someone that ticks all the right boxes, achieves all the right targets, at least as far as your bosses are concerned. Stay, stand by your principles and get the boot. Either way your group suffers. The human angle is being carefully excised, as far as I can see, from all management processes. Everything's a paper chain and only the people at the sharp end deal with actual people and that level of activity-where it matters the most- is the one of very least concern. It's a disgrace. Do you need the money? It's why most of the caring professionals I know stick it out.
World's going to the dugs, Kim.

Susan said...

Aw sweetie. I was in a very similar position to yours, volunteering far too many hours (like, 20-30 per week) to the local support group for family caregivers. I quit. It's a long story, and I'll spare you the saga!

Anyhow: you're definitely in my prayers, in my hopes, and I'll be doing a world of wishing for us both! January always seems a turd of a month anyhow: look forward to what Spring will bring you, and who knows?

Good luck, and meanwhile I'll be sending you many virtual hugs and applause. I was in public service for years with much the same feelings, and will be home most of the weekend, so if you need a good e-mail conversation or chat, just shout, I'm here!

Terence McDanger said...

That sounds shite in fairness.

If I started blogging about work gripes, I'd never crack another joke again, hoenst to God.

The secret is to expect (and demand) better for yourself and it'll happen.

hope said...

Thanks folks. Honestly. Not feeling alone makes it a lot better.

Oh Susan, you probably should never have offered. :) The only thing I have to look forward to in January birthday. At least there will be cake. CHOCOLATE cake!

Shug, I would've walked out the door today but I'm the "steady income" paycheck and insurance as hubby is self employed. Guess I just realized today I can't keep playing the martyr....I don't like the role. At least I have your words to look forward to. How big is that map again? :)

Ah McDanger, that only works in the real world. I work for local government. They are an animal all to themselves...not nearly as nice as cows. :)

I drove home mumbling, "Look ahead, not behind. Who do you know and what are you good at?" Funny thing is so many people, including my seniors, have told me I'm too smart for my job and I'm wasting my "talents".

Okay, so where does one who likes kids, old people and writing go to find a job to pay the bills? :)

the broken down barman said...

i would love to talk bout work gripes just now, but dont care anymore!!!!! im above it i dont care, it really doesnt matter in the slightest. to me.
dont old folk know they are only aloud to enjoy bingo and the tartan lads!!!! they should be so lucky we feed them and that!!!
joking aside...........
i can see your work means a lot to you. not something im familiar with! all i can say is that if you want to be happy, dont quit. agree with shug. dont give in without a fight. remember we all have a voice.

what boult we all write some pish and publish a magazine some how?? then we could all make a fortune and/or change the world slightly.
that. sayin that i might get sued!!!! forget bout it

Rachel Fox said...

Yes this January is panning out badly! We have a relative (on Mark's side) just died, I have a brother awaiting brain surgery in NZ...and that's before you even switch on the news!

I am always the one to say - pack it in, you're resourceful, you will find a way to make a living but not while all your energies are being drained by this work situation. Do you want to get to retirement and be one of those 'I wish I'd done something else' people? Make a break, find the new life...all that.

My birthday this month too.


hope said...

Barman, the problem is I have stayed. And it's only gotten worse. 6 years ago they added a second job [no extra pay]meaning a longer commute. I'm suppose to "help" the other Director but I do her job too. I kept concentrating on the kids but it's annoying when the one "in charge" hides in her office to play computer games while I work. I've tried, without being a snitch, to explain that I'm not "accomplishing" what I'd like there. Fell on deaf ears mostly. Yesterday after being handed my head, the Boss did say if I was frustrated the 3 of us should talk. Won't help. The other woman will get mad and I'll still be stuck. No more for me, thanks. And thanks for caring. Tell you the truth, I like your magazine idea much better. :)

Oh Rachel! Now I feel like a heel for bitching about work. I'm sorry for your loss and I'll say a few words of my own for your brother. Okay, confess. Name your day in January and I'll name mine. :) [Or e-mail me if you don't want the world to know].

Rachel Fox said...

and you're never a heel. Being unhappy/unappreciated/frustrated at work is one of the most stressful situations (especially when it goes on and on). But you must sort a better place for yourself. Sanity is precious!

hope said...

I'm working on it as we speak. :)

And my answer is 15th.

Rachel Fox said...

Now you see if you were an Aquarian you would have walked out in a crazy, no-idea-what-I'm-going-to-live-off strop ages ago. Come to the dark side...

the broken down barman said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Radge said...

You're right to talk about this Hope, to bring it up. All I can say is we seldom regret what we do, only things that we didn't do...

hope said...

Thanks Radge, I needed that. Especially today...since I've been summoned to meet on Wednesday with the Boss, her underling and the woman I work with in the afternoons. I'm not playing their game, which is to turn the two of us against each other. Nope, I'm going to leave her hanging with my mildly surprised expression of, "I don't know what you're talking about." ;)

Thanks to all of you for the support. I'll let you know how things work out. Ah, a new job for my birthday. Now wouldn't that be nice?!

Matthew S. Urdan said...

Wow. If there's anything I can do please let me know....I'm glad my recent post inspired you. Good luck, Hope, and keep us posted. It definitely sounds like it's time to pass the torch.

Anonymous said...

Contact the Item and tell them what you are interested in writing and if you can work from home. Negotiate :)

Or, you can stay where you are and just get fired. Apply for unemployment and then take the time to find what is right for you.

Or, you can fight and stand up for yourself. Either they will be shocked into submission or fire you. If they choose number two, see above :)

Maybe its hubby's turn to be the breadwinner for a bit while you go find your dream job.

The choices are endless. It is not about the seniors or the kids. It is about you, and your happiness. Finding your niche and living your joy.

You know what you need to do. Have faith (and hope). Make a choice and the rest will fall into place. Works for me....I am not dead yet :)