Because here I stand. In the tunnel. Lights out. Not hopeless. But...deflated.
Radge, I'm about to break that rule we talked about. The one about not discussing situations at work. Since I'm not naming names, I won't have any regrets.
I arrived at the crossroads today because I was pushed into it. I hate being pushed.
I was blindsided, actually. Fortunately the semi-truck hasn't come along [yet] to completely flatten what's left of my ego. Oh I'm still employed. So far. Working for the government we're constantly hearing about budget cuts and other ways for us to work more...for less. But today I finally realized that it's time to quit saying, "Maybe I should do something else". Today I need to find my backbone and realize I have a lot to offer, no matter what those above of me believe.
The problem, you see, is I have a brain. And I'm not afraid to use it.
Ironically, I didn't do anything wrong. My senior citizens did. In short, they've been accused of being snobs who won't play nice with others. Which isn't true. They're a very down to earth group. The problem is, they too possess brains and like to choose what they attend or how they care to participate. So I am a very bad employee because I can't make a group of folks old enough to be my grandparents go do events they don't like. The bottom line is it doesn't matter what a good job I've done for 21 years...or how much I go above and beyond to do it. No, I was advised that my superiors cannot, in good conscience, be supportive of my center or back me up because my seniors don't support the correct events.
Yeah. That's how I felt.
For a couple of years now I've been restless when it comes to work. Not miserable, not bored, just knowing I can accomplish more than I am allowed. I've become numb to the fact my work is claimed by others and console myself by muttering, "What goes around, comes around." When it becomes overwhelming, I usually have a good cry, then suck it up and go on "for the sake of the group". That routine has gotten old. As has the offhand remark today of, "We're trying to keep cost cutting to a minimum and not lose jobs. Yet."
Ah yes, the veiled threat as inspiration.
What sounds so painfully obvious is something I've avoided for a long time. For every legitimate reason I conjure up for leaving, I allow my conscious to overrule. Who would actually care about the seniors as much as I do? After all, they treat me like family. I've always been pretty sure that if I was to leave, the higher ups would use it as an excuse to close a Center they've attempted to close in the past just for monetary reasons. Was I merely allowing the stress of a sucky economy to blow things out of proportion? Cool off and the world will come back to center. After all, the annoying people in the world eventually find the door and exit. Nothing lasts forever.
Cue light bulb.
I've already had a good cry, via telephone. A least hubby's shoulder stayed dry this time. Hey, I try to be considerate. He always knows what to say. After agreeing that I'd stayed long past the time normal folks would've walked out, he told me to start looking for that way out. Without looking back.
"The time has come," my brain echoed silently. "LEAVE. Get out while you still have a soul and give a damn about people."
And that is where I need the power of YOU, dear readers. The reality is I can't just walk out the door. I have to find something to go to, rather than run away from. So if you pray, wish on stars or just think positive, I'd appreciate it if you'd reach out into the cosmos and make a simple request....
...help her find what she was born to do. And kindly allow her to keep her hope.
Here's thanking you in advance. Why? Because I have just enough hope left to know good people when I read them. ;)